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Monday, December 23, 2002
Since you asked... ... and since I'm in the mood to share some stories today, someone was curious how I 'ALMOST artificially inseminated a cow' in college and I thought I'd share with y'all. Please note, the following story will be a little graphic for those of you that can't stomach nasty, disgusting, bleeding things. :-) As an Animal Science major who was concentrating on Animal Reproduction (stop laughing!), I had to take ANSC 300 which is the equivalent to Introductory Animal Reproduction where, among other things, you learn all about the reproductive tracts of barnyard species and the biology of conception, gestation, etc., etc. And of course there is a lab component. (Seriously, stop laughing!) Lab exercises pretty much matched topics of lectures, and so when we hit the artificial insemination (AI) lecture, we had a chance to go to the teaching barn as a group and 'practice' artifically inseminating cows. We got to the teaching barn and there was a long row of cows along one side, maybe 10 of them in total, completely oblivious to the fact that we were even there. (That wouldn't last long. *grin*) Dr. Parks, our instructor, went first, making the poor choice to demonstrate the technique on a cow with terrible diarrhea. Before I go any further, let me describe, briefly and superficially, the procedure one follows when you inseminate a cow. Yes, the jokes you've heard are true... you put on a glove that goes up to your shoulders, put about a gallon of lube on it, and you reach into the cow's ass (in non-scientific terms, for those of you who weren't animal science majors) while your other hand inserts a straw filled with bull's semen in their vagina. So you get the general idea, right? 'Nuff said for the purposes of my story. Back to my story... So, you can imagine why picking a cow with diarrhea is NOT ideal for demonstrating AI. When Dr. Parks stuck his gloved and lubed arm into this cow's ass, she projectile shit all over the place. Already, I (who had not heeded the warning to wear work clothes) was skeptical of my practicing AI on this particular day. Also, instead of using the normal apparatus (a long, hollow straw with the bull semen in it), we were instructed to use thin metal rods. So, here is Dr. Parks, his pant legs covered in runny cow shit, letting a class of ANSC 300 students crazy on these poor cows armed with gloves, lube, and metal rods. So I decided to hang back a bit, and watch the class go at it. One by one my classmates were attempting to get this little metal rod through a cow's cervix... which by the way, is NOT an easy thing to do. What should take a pro seconds, was taking these students minutes... and every now and again they would pull their rod out and it would actually have blood on it. Dr. Parks would come along and mark the rumps of the bloodied cows with a big X. This X, apparently, was universal code for, 'We've poked, prodded, and battered this cow enough today, kids. Let's give her a break.' So, now, I was confronted with two things... a fear of getting nice clothes covered with cow shit and lube, and not wanting to cause any more damage to these poor cows. (In my class's and Dr. Parks's defense, I am sure this is not signifcant damage to the cows, but it was enough to make me a little uneasy since I knew this 'practice' was wasted on me. I was certainly never going to artifically inseminate cows for a living. And I couldn't picture a survival scenario where my life would depend on getting Bessy pregnant. So, when it came to be my turn, I politely turned down the metal rod... and for moral support, my friend Stella did also (what a sweetie). Of course this opened us up to all kinds of ridicule by our instructor, Dr. Parks. I'm pretty sure it was soon after this experience that he started singing 'Shane of Fools' in class to the tune of 'Chain of Fools.' So, there you go... my 'near miss' with artificial insemination. Aren't you glad you asked? | private feedback | |
Hey! I'm Shane... a proud gay progressive Democrat who has recently relocated to New York City from Ithaca, NY. As I am no longer in Ithaca, I haven't quite decided the fate of this blog. Drop me a line!
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