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Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Reflecting Emotions Some of you might find this completely boring... but I am fascinated by communication and interaction between individuals... which is probably why I love my volunteer work as a mediator at the local dispute resolution center. As a mediator, I’m required to participate in a certain number of continuing education trainings throughout the year to maintain my active certification. Last night was one of these 2-hour trainings on the topic of reflecting emotions, and probably one of the more interesting ones in recent memory. This training was of huge interest to me for multiple reasons. One, as a mediator (and personally) I am well aware of my low tolerance and comfort level when it comes to emotionally-charged situations. I am often hesitant to reflect individuals’ emotions for fear of the response I’ll get. Two, this training was affirmation (and a reminder) that communication happens on multiple levels (sort of the, ‘its not just WHAT you say but HOW you say it’ mentality) which has been largely ignored by previous mediation theories. And three, I didn’t really know what an appropriate reflection of emotion looked like in practice. Just briefly, reflection in mediated conflicts is a HUGE and crucial component because it allows parties to hear what they’re saying but removed from themselves and their lips. And when they hear their own words reflected back to them it allows them to mold it, massage it, clarify it or even confirm it strongly. A common response to someone being reflected might be, ‘Well, I didn’t mean exactly THAT, I’m just very frustrated with this situation because of X.’ And that’s a very strong point to move from, especially when before there might be only name-calling or bickering in the room. Emotional reflecting becomes just as crucial as reflecting actual words because when you give voice and recognition to someone’s emotions, it often makes them feel as though they’re being heard. (The old analogy is the person that gets louder and louder and keeps saying the same thing over and over again because they feel like the other person just isn’t getting it. So simply saying, “Gee, you’re really frustrated because you feel like you’re not being heard, aren’t you?” is an amazingly powerful statement because that person can just let out a deep breath and say, “Yes!”) And often then the parties will let go of some of that elevated emotion which allows them some mental breathing room and an opportunity to actually look at the conflict at hand. Our role as mediator is nothing more than doing the reflections and asking the questions that will diminish that feeling of ‘being stuck’ that oftentimes develops between parties in conflict. I strongly encourage anyone who gets the opportunity to learn about the Transformative Theory of mediation to do so (Read The Promise of Mediation by Baruch Bush and Joe Folger). The theory is completely based on fostering empowerment and recognition between people in conflict and it will completely make you rethink the way you interact with people. I guess that was all to say that we all have our little hang-ups, varying comfort levels, and places that we get ‘stuck’ in conflict… but by learning about conflict and its components (both verbal and non-verbal), we are increase our ability to make connections with other individuals. | private feedback | |
Hey! I'm Shane... a proud gay progressive Democrat who has recently relocated to New York City from Ithaca, NY. As I am no longer in Ithaca, I haven't quite decided the fate of this blog. Drop me a line!
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