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Monday, May 31, 2004
Mediate This! I quit mediating last week. It was a volunteer gig that I have done for over five years now. I have always enjoyed it, I have always loved learning about the theory of mediation and how conflict can be lessened through increased recognition and empowerment in communication. The transformative paradigm is a skill-set that I will hold near and dear to my heart. But, as is often the case in life, a hectic schedule had prevented me from keeping up to date on the required continuing training that is necessary to maintain my certification. (Unlike other volunteer gigs, to be a mediator, you have to fulfill a certain number of training hours and mediate a certain number of times during the year to remain active.) Starting a new business, taking on a bunch of other community organizing tasks, remaining politically active, and the fallout from other personal issues has taken priority over this particular volunteer gig. My intentions were always in the right place and the agency had made a special effort to allow me to "catch-up," which I fully intended to do. But in the end my goal would prove unrealistic, as timing and a perceived lack of appreciation on the part of the agency would intersect. A few months back when the agency contacted me about my deficiency in hours I had let them know that I would make up the time... they had a few ways to do it... I could read an article and answer questions, or I could watch a video of a mediation and critique it as an observer. I was sufficiently behind that I agreed to do both. But, not having a VCR or time on my hands was a bit of a challenge and so I hadn't done either by the time I got a very cold letter from the agency telling me that they couldn't use me anymore. I responded by saying basically that I expected better from them considering that I had volunteered for 5 years and always hit my training/mediation requirements previously. Maybe instead of a cold letter, perhaps a phone call...? Fast forward MONTHS later. (Yes, it has been about six months since that letter and I still hadn't made up my hours from last year and hadn't been keeping up this year either. No excuses, I just hadn't.) Someone from the agency needed a fill-in mediator. Apparently, a Visitation-Custody case needed to be scheduled and it HAD to be a male mediator. The male participant in the case had demanded this, saying that he would walk out if he was confronted with a room full of women. It would take place during the afternoon, but the case coordinator made it sound dire enough that I agreed to leave the office early and mediate the case. I had been told the names of the parties, which is standard practice, but not that there were any other participants, until I arrived. As mediators, we expect that we'll know who's going to be in the room in case we have personal conflicts with any of them that would throw hurdles in the way of being unbiased. When I arrived, I was told that the female participant would be joined by her advocate from the Advocacy Center. I checked the case information form and realized that the advocate that would come with her was MY advocate less than three months ago when I was going through violence issues with my ex-boyfriend. The advocate, this same woman that was going to be in this mediation, had talked me through the legal process of getting an order of protection, talked to me about my legal rights and ability to press criminal charges, followed up with DA's and the Police Department for me, and in general provided me with a sense of peace-of-mind through a very difficult situation. At first I thought it didn't matter. I thought I could put it out of my mind. But the more I thought about it... that this woman was going to be sitting in the room while I tried to mediate a sensitive situation... a woman that I had never met face-to-face, that I had only talked to over the phone and knew so much about me and one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me... I realized that I couldn't do this mediation. I knew that I couldn't focus on helping this couple in their conflict when I would be thinking about my very recent brush with violence. So I stepped into a case manager's office who knew about my personal situation and said, "Do you think it's a problem that I would mediate with this woman in the room?" And of course the answer, the only appropriate one, was "What do YOU think?" We checked in with the Director of the center... so now I'm standing in her office with two case coordinators, the Director, and my co-mediator. Both of the parties are waiting and I'm having to explain why I don't feel comfortable mediating this case which could put the entire session in jeopardy. The more I'm talking about it, the more I'm getting worked up. I was totally embarrassed that I had to be revealing this personal information about myself to so many people that I don't know THAT well, and I'm practically on the verge of tears. So my would-have-been co-mediator leaves to deal with the mess I just made and almost instantly the director says, "I'm surprised to see you mediating, actually... I wasn't aware we were still using you. You haven't made up your training hours." I said, "I know, I was told you had made an exception for me to keep mediating, I'm really thankful. As you can see, it's been a pretty stressful time for me." She continued saying more things that I can only assume were meant to make me feel guilty. My head was racing, I was thinking... "I'm standing here a wreck because I've had all of this amazingly emotional stuff dredged up and you choose NOW to guilt me about my lack of training hours?!?!" Of all the people I thought would understand about the inappropriateness of doing that following a very personal and obviously emotional discussion, it would be the Executive Director of a mediation center. Not so, she kept going (chastising me in front of one of the case coordinators) and so I turned on my heels to leave the office. I threw a "Thanks" over my shoulder and was gone. Shortly after I got back to my office and cooled down I sent the director an email. Basically I just told her that her concerns were valid and that if I couldn't find the time to make "a good faith effort" to catch-up my training that I shouldn't mediate, and she could take me off the active mediator list. I made a parenthetical comment about how I thought it might have been less appropriate to have the discussion the way she did and left it at that. Best not burn bridges. I'll just chalk up the experience to another life lesson. I'm definitely richer for my experience at the center. And, as my friend Susan says, I'm clearing space in my life for good things to enter... | private feedback | |
Hey! I'm Shane... a proud gay progressive Democrat who has recently relocated to New York City from Ithaca, NY. As I am no longer in Ithaca, I haven't quite decided the fate of this blog. Drop me a line!
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